Young people are invincible.
Facing this natural reality, I feel devastated, alone in front of my PC. As a woman in her mid-40s, I casually look down at my hands. The blue veins on my hands moving the mouse seem more evident than before. The tone of my voice, which is my only attractive feature, has perhaps become lower… I feel empty. Why do I have to continue to work alone without taking a step out of this room in my cramped apartment?
　
“Just to live, of course.” Rina, my only daughter, comes into my room with the drifting smell of a bitter chocolate drink. The drink she has brought me is a combination of Brazil chocolate and praline truffe, which often gives me a boost to come up with good ideas. Placing the Origo mug on the side table, Rina says, “Oh, I’ve also got you this, a Blu-ray film that you’ve wanted to check out.” Bringing her completely spotless and smooth-skinned face closer to mine, she hands me the disc with a smile and leaves the room swiftly. Although it is a holiday, she is probably going to take a mock examination or an EIKEN examination. The high school student also seems busy.
I like movies that depict the youth of characters and usually watch such works both for profit and pleasure. However, lately, the lively energy from the actors on the screen seems so dazzling that I have begun to feel strangely sad or left behind. Nevertheless, I cannot avoid watching the movie because it’s an important material for my next work. Heaving a sigh, I place the disc jacket on my desk, with the coffee mug in my hand.

When my husband left us, saying “I want to distance myself from you,” I was still in my mid-30s. I broke up with him unexpectedly easily, and I believe that this was not completely unrelated to my age at the time. Taking account of the child support payments from him, the inheritance from my parents, and my earnings, though only slight, from creating comics, I expected that we could make a living if we didn’t live a luxurious life. As is often the case with young people, I was overconfident, which encouraged me to make the bold decision. Also, I was greatly pleased that I could gain my freedom once again. In those days, I had something that propelled me to move toward a new future.

After all, what was I after? Did I want to work as a girls’ comic creator living in Nagoya? No. I happened to know an editor, who suggested that I create a work. I made a casual attempt, saying that it might be good to do this if there was demand, and my creation activity drags on to this day. I create works for Rina and for living. These reasons are not false, but I have been using them as excuses to avoid looking at my real feeling.

In this situation, I have suddenly begun to be captivated by the world of so-called “boys’ love.” In movies about boys’ love, romantic sentiments are depicted in a very delicate manner. A character conveys his serious, sincere feeling to his partner, not only through his wording, but also his look, eyes, fingertips, and all the other elements of his five senses. I imagined that movies about boys’ love would be sexually explicit, and thus they would not be to my taste, even though I had never seen them before. However, straight male actors devote themselves to their works literally physically. While controlling their emotions, such actors look very natural on the screen as if nothing special has happened. I’m sometimes totally blown away, probably because their straightforward, firm attitude toward acting may strike a chord with me.
In a movie, when a character finds his one and only other half, as depicted in a work by Plato, he never tries to suppress his feeling even if he is confused and hurt. When someone loves someone, whether straight or gay, they have only sincere, pure feelings, which deeply impresses me, even though they are acting.

Standing at a window, I see Rina off from behind and wave my hand. Her slim body in her school uniform without any unwanted flab reminds me of the bud of a tulip that I’m growing in a planter. Sooner or later, she will leave this home to produce her own beautiful flower.
When that time comes, will I be able to see her off with a smile as I’ve done today? Now might be the last opportunity for me to face myself. The deadline for discovering a new weapon instead of my waning youth is now just around the corner.

　若さは無敵だ。
　そんな当たり前の現実に直面し、４０代半ばの私は、パソコンを前に、一人で勝手に打ちひしがれている。ふと、手元に視線を落とすと、マウスを動かす手の青い血管が目立つようになった気もするし、唯一のチャームポイントであった声さえも、心なしかトーンが低くなってきたような……、あぁ、むなしい。私は何のために、この狭いマンションの一室から一歩も出ずに、孤独な作業を続けなければならないのだろうか。
　
　「勿論、生活のためよ」と、一人娘の里奈が、ほろ苦いショコラの香りを漂わせながら、書斎に入ってきた。里奈が運んできたブラジルショコラとプラリネトリュフの組み合わせは、アイデアに煮詰まった時の私のカンフル剤だ。里奈はオリゴのマグカップをサイドテーブルに置いた後「そうそう、これも。チェックしたいって、言ってた映画のBlu-ray」とシミひとつないつるりとした顔を近づけて、にっこり笑いながらディスクを手渡すと、慌ただしく出ていった。今日は休日だが、模試か英検のどちらかを受けるのだろう、高校生も忙しそうだ。
　本来なら、趣味と実益を兼ねた青春映画視聴。でも、最近では画面上の俳優達の溌剌とした生命力があまりにもまぶしすぎて、なんだか、淋しいような、とり残されたような不思議な感覚に陥るようになってしまっている。とはいえ、次回作の大事な資料でもあるので、避けるわけにもいかず、ため息をつきながら、珈琲片手に受け取ったディスクジャケットを机の上に立てかけてみた。

　夫が「距離を置きたい」と言って私達から離れた時、私はまだ３０代半ばだった。思いのほか彼とあっさり別れることができたのは、多分あの時の年齢も無関係ではなかったはずだ。彼からの養育費、両親の遺産、僅かではあるが私自身の漫画家としての報酬、それらを天秤にかけた時、贅沢をしなければ暮らしていけるという、若さゆえの過信が大きな決断の後押しをしたのだ。また、再び自由を手にできる喜びも大きかった。新しい未来に立ち向かう何かがあの頃の私には存在していたのだろう。

　結局、私は何を求めていたのだろうか。名古屋在住の少女漫画家としての仕事がしたかった、わけではない。たまたま、知り合いの編集者から声かけがあり、需要があるなら、と軽い気持ちで引き受けてズルズルと続けているのだ。里奈のため、生きるため、理由としては嘘ではないが、きっと、そのことを言い訳として、ずっと私は本心から逃げていたのだ。

　そんな中、私は、ある日唐突に、ボーイズラブの世界に魅せられてしまう。ボーイズラブ映画における恋愛感情表現は、とても、繊細だ。言葉だけではなく表情、目、手の指先など人間のあらゆる五感や五官を駆使して、自分の真摯な思いを相手に伝えていく。エロティックな描写のイメージが先行して、食わず嫌いの分野の映画だったが、本来ならストレートな性癖を持つ男優達が、文字通り身体を張って、自分の感情をコントロールしながら、ごく当たり前のようにスクリーンの中で自然と呼吸している姿に、自分の気持ちを持っていかれてしまうことがある。彼らの真っ直ぐで揺るぎない演技姿勢が、私の心の琴線に触れるからかもしれない。
　映像の中で、彼らは、唯一無二の自らのプラトンの半身に出会えた時、戸惑い傷つきながらも、決して自分の心に蓋をすることはしない。異性愛、同性愛という枠組みを超えて、人が人を好きになる、そこには、嘘のない純粋な感情しかなく、例えそれが演技だとしても、私は素直に感動を覚えてしまうのだ。

　窓辺に立ち、手を振りながら、里奈の後ろ姿を見送る。余分な贅肉のないすっきりとしたセーラー服姿は、プランターで育てているチューリップのつぼみを思わせる。遅かれ早かれ、里奈も自分自身の花を綺麗に咲かせるためにこの家から旅立つことになるのだろう。
　その時、私は、今日のように笑って見送ることができるのだろうか。もしかしたら、今が自分と向き合う最後のチャンスなのかもしれない。剥がれ落ちつつある若さの代わりとなる武器を見つけるタイムリミットは、もう目の前に迫っている。